Feeling a little sorry for myself.........

I am sitting here crossed legged, leaning into the soft plush pillow contemplating what it all means. I know what my brain says..what is always the standard line? "it is for the greater good" or "trails make us stronger". Well I DON'T feel stronger and I certainly DON'T feel good. So what is it REALLY all about? Did I do something wrong? Have I not done something enough?

I keep thinking back to the old journals I found earlier today and the almost urgency I felt in opening them; like I was searching for answers. Even then; 10, 12 years old I was talking about my children. What kind of attributes I wanted as a mother, what I wanted FOR them. I even talked about how many I wanted. So what is the deal????

Memories of my "thinking the worst" about having kids keeps coming back. I always had this feeling that I wouldn't be able to have kids or something would happen. As I got older I found that a lot of people have had those feelings, but they had kids just fine. And then here I sit...it is a total reality.

You know, you grow up just wanting to be married, have the white picket fence, the 2.5 kids. Wow, then reality hits! Love is great, marriage is wonderful, but man sometimes it stinks! It is hard! You constantly have to work at it. You need to give in- release your jaws of life on your Independence and let him take care of you. But then one day, there you sit listening to this doctor tell you your worst fear. You look at your husband, see his face, his hurt, his anguish in not being able to take care of you.

As I sit here, pondering all these things, I think think to myself, "Well, why do you want a baby?" Is it some need to feel fulfilled as a person? Is my life so retarded that I need this little human to take care of? Who knows... I just feel and have felt since 16 years old that I was meant to be a Mother.

So where does this leave me now? No more forward, no more backward- just the same as when I sat on this bed...trying to figure out what the heck is going on.