Paperwork, paperwork and MORE paperwork

I am exhausted! I feel like I am in an emotional fog...I spent 2 hours spilling my guts to a man I didn't know. There were some really great moments though. Hearing Mark say things about me or our relationship and how much he wants children. It was all just so raw and emotional. We had questions asked from "how tall are you?" to "name 3 top issues that you usually fight about". I mean it was hard. We were honest and stuff, but it was hard to have to say negative things or think of the worst memory. It was just interesting.

I am not sure if it was all just coming to a head, after waiting for so long, or relief that it was going well, or just divulging such intimate stuff, but at one point I broke down crying. The Social Worker cried too, so I guess that was a good sign??

After he was done with our combo interview, a walk through of the house and individual interviews, he gave us MORE paperwork. The process will take another 2 months to process and for us to get our final notification that we have the Miracle Fund. WOW! We started this in February and it won't be done until probably next February. What a long process! A year of putting all this paperwork together, interviews, doc appts., blood tests, poking and prodding, waiting, waiting and more waiting. It has been unbelievable!

But let me be clear, what a huge blessing! This whole thing, this whole process. We as a couple have been through so much not only in the last year, but our whole marriage- going through this difficulty- how much stronger we now are! How much closer we are! I couldn't possibly wish for anything different. It is what it is, it is our lot to go through... and it isn't so hard when you have such a wonderful partner to help you through it. Mark has been such a rock. Not to mention our added peace and comfort that our Heavenly Father knows what is going on and with our constant relationship with him through prayer and fasting that he has giving us a perspective we needed to get through this.

It isn't over yet. We still could get rejected I suppose. But I can't help but feel this will all work out.

Social Worker scheduled

Scheduled our Social Worker Larry for Dec. 1st! Super excited to get this thing going! WOO-HOO

Oh MY GOSH!!! WE GOT IT!!!

Just found out we got the Miracle Fund! It still has not registered...shaking totally. Mark is just sitting on the couch smiling. Oh my gosh, I can't believe this!!!Social Worker still has to come to the house, but if the board accepts you they say they have never had a social worker come back and say "oh not them"We are so excited! This is SUCH a blessing!!

Feeling a little sorry for myself.........

I am sitting here crossed legged, leaning into the soft plush pillow contemplating what it all means. I know what my brain says..what is always the standard line? "it is for the greater good" or "trails make us stronger". Well I DON'T feel stronger and I certainly DON'T feel good. So what is it REALLY all about? Did I do something wrong? Have I not done something enough?

I keep thinking back to the old journals I found earlier today and the almost urgency I felt in opening them; like I was searching for answers. Even then; 10, 12 years old I was talking about my children. What kind of attributes I wanted as a mother, what I wanted FOR them. I even talked about how many I wanted. So what is the deal????

Memories of my "thinking the worst" about having kids keeps coming back. I always had this feeling that I wouldn't be able to have kids or something would happen. As I got older I found that a lot of people have had those feelings, but they had kids just fine. And then here I sit...it is a total reality.

You know, you grow up just wanting to be married, have the white picket fence, the 2.5 kids. Wow, then reality hits! Love is great, marriage is wonderful, but man sometimes it stinks! It is hard! You constantly have to work at it. You need to give in- release your jaws of life on your Independence and let him take care of you. But then one day, there you sit listening to this doctor tell you your worst fear. You look at your husband, see his face, his hurt, his anguish in not being able to take care of you.

As I sit here, pondering all these things, I think think to myself, "Well, why do you want a baby?" Is it some need to feel fulfilled as a person? Is my life so retarded that I need this little human to take care of? Who knows... I just feel and have felt since 16 years old that I was meant to be a Mother.

So where does this leave me now? No more forward, no more backward- just the same as when I sat on this bed...trying to figure out what the heck is going on.

Funny how life works...

So we were pregnant last week and I lost it. How funny is that? Not like ha-ha funny, but interesting. I thought we'd get out of having to go through the Invitro, but I guess not. How lucky are we that we are still in the running to be able to have a baby. I talked with the Rep for the fund and she said that the board hasn't met yet. So we are still out months before anything even happens and that is IF they choose us.... We are praying for strength and know honestly that the peace will come again through Heavenly Father and we know that He knows us and loves us. We have always been taken care of; during trials we may not know why things happen the way they do, but I can always look back and have an "ahh-haa" moment. I see His hand in my life. I have TOTAL faith that what has and will happen is the best thing for Mark and I.

......Even though this TOTALLY sucks!! But like always, we get through it.

No news- good news?

I talked with the gal who is our contact for the fund and she said that the committee have not asked for the applications yet or have set a date for looking at the applications. It could be a week from now or 4 months from now. We hadn't heard anything so I was kind of worried that they didn't pick us, so it is nice to know that they just haven't even looked at us yet. So good news I guess....

Just waiting to hear...

We turned in like a dictionary full of paperwork to the foundation- waiting to hear back if they accept our paperwork and a social worker will call us and set up an appointment to meet with us. We still have quite a few more hoops to jump through. Everyone keep your fingers crossed! Anyway, I have attached a picture of my two beautiful niece and nephew on Memorial Day. Aren't they the cutest thing you have ever seen?