OH.MY.GOSH. ...ouch!

I guess I spoke too soon....started 2 MORE shots today, if you are counting that makes a grand total of 3 shots a day folks! I have to ice my stomach first and right afterward, which makes it a little easier. But WOW it burns!! Basically sweat pants from here on out!! YOWZZA!!

Look how far we've come...

In another 2 weeks, I will be married to Mark for 5 years. I look back at all the things that have happened and in some cases it seems like so much and in others, a blink. We are arms deep into my IVF cycle, right in the middle of Invitro. The shots are annoying, but do-able. Hormones are weird, but controllable. The one thing that I know is, this man- the man of my dreams, this man who saved me, who loves me, who would do anything for me; is right there with me. How great will it be to have a little someone looking up at me with his eyes? I can hardly wait!

Weight off my shoulders!

Woke up this morning and went first to the scale. I have been, since Nov. 1st, on this P90 work out-diet routine. So far I have lost 14 pounds. Super great. I looked down and saw a few more notches gone..hmm....I ran upstairs to step on Lizzie's scale, with is digital. As I walked past her table I see an unopened letter from University of Utah addressed to me. Holy crap! I have been checking the mail for the past 2 weeks thinking THIS WILL BE THE DAY! This will be the day we get word if all our paperwork, meetings, interviews, blah, blah, blah paid off. I open the letter...

"Congratulations! The home study had been reviewed and you have final approval by the IVF Miracle Fund for one cycle of IVF to be completed by the end of October 2010."

So honestly, I have really tried to be positive about the whole thing- thinking this is all going to work, we will get approval, we will get pregnant, it will work. But I tell ya, I couldn't believe it! This is all happening, it really is. I am just so, super excited! So happy, so thrilled!

and p.s. I totally lost another 2.5 pounds! Seriously this is like the greatest day ever!!!!!

Paperwork, paperwork and MORE paperwork

I am exhausted! I feel like I am in an emotional fog...I spent 2 hours spilling my guts to a man I didn't know. There were some really great moments though. Hearing Mark say things about me or our relationship and how much he wants children. It was all just so raw and emotional. We had questions asked from "how tall are you?" to "name 3 top issues that you usually fight about". I mean it was hard. We were honest and stuff, but it was hard to have to say negative things or think of the worst memory. It was just interesting.

I am not sure if it was all just coming to a head, after waiting for so long, or relief that it was going well, or just divulging such intimate stuff, but at one point I broke down crying. The Social Worker cried too, so I guess that was a good sign??

After he was done with our combo interview, a walk through of the house and individual interviews, he gave us MORE paperwork. The process will take another 2 months to process and for us to get our final notification that we have the Miracle Fund. WOW! We started this in February and it won't be done until probably next February. What a long process! A year of putting all this paperwork together, interviews, doc appts., blood tests, poking and prodding, waiting, waiting and more waiting. It has been unbelievable!

But let me be clear, what a huge blessing! This whole thing, this whole process. We as a couple have been through so much not only in the last year, but our whole marriage- going through this difficulty- how much stronger we now are! How much closer we are! I couldn't possibly wish for anything different. It is what it is, it is our lot to go through... and it isn't so hard when you have such a wonderful partner to help you through it. Mark has been such a rock. Not to mention our added peace and comfort that our Heavenly Father knows what is going on and with our constant relationship with him through prayer and fasting that he has giving us a perspective we needed to get through this.

It isn't over yet. We still could get rejected I suppose. But I can't help but feel this will all work out.

Social Worker scheduled

Scheduled our Social Worker Larry for Dec. 1st! Super excited to get this thing going! WOO-HOO

Oh MY GOSH!!! WE GOT IT!!!

Just found out we got the Miracle Fund! It still has not registered...shaking totally. Mark is just sitting on the couch smiling. Oh my gosh, I can't believe this!!!Social Worker still has to come to the house, but if the board accepts you they say they have never had a social worker come back and say "oh not them"We are so excited! This is SUCH a blessing!!

Feeling a little sorry for myself.........

I am sitting here crossed legged, leaning into the soft plush pillow contemplating what it all means. I know what my brain says..what is always the standard line? "it is for the greater good" or "trails make us stronger". Well I DON'T feel stronger and I certainly DON'T feel good. So what is it REALLY all about? Did I do something wrong? Have I not done something enough?

I keep thinking back to the old journals I found earlier today and the almost urgency I felt in opening them; like I was searching for answers. Even then; 10, 12 years old I was talking about my children. What kind of attributes I wanted as a mother, what I wanted FOR them. I even talked about how many I wanted. So what is the deal????

Memories of my "thinking the worst" about having kids keeps coming back. I always had this feeling that I wouldn't be able to have kids or something would happen. As I got older I found that a lot of people have had those feelings, but they had kids just fine. And then here I sit...it is a total reality.

You know, you grow up just wanting to be married, have the white picket fence, the 2.5 kids. Wow, then reality hits! Love is great, marriage is wonderful, but man sometimes it stinks! It is hard! You constantly have to work at it. You need to give in- release your jaws of life on your Independence and let him take care of you. But then one day, there you sit listening to this doctor tell you your worst fear. You look at your husband, see his face, his hurt, his anguish in not being able to take care of you.

As I sit here, pondering all these things, I think think to myself, "Well, why do you want a baby?" Is it some need to feel fulfilled as a person? Is my life so retarded that I need this little human to take care of? Who knows... I just feel and have felt since 16 years old that I was meant to be a Mother.

So where does this leave me now? No more forward, no more backward- just the same as when I sat on this bed...trying to figure out what the heck is going on.