Feeling a little sorry for myself.........

I am sitting here crossed legged, leaning into the soft plush pillow contemplating what it all means. I know what my brain says..what is always the standard line? "it is for the greater good" or "trails make us stronger". Well I DON'T feel stronger and I certainly DON'T feel good. So what is it REALLY all about? Did I do something wrong? Have I not done something enough?

I keep thinking back to the old journals I found earlier today and the almost urgency I felt in opening them; like I was searching for answers. Even then; 10, 12 years old I was talking about my children. What kind of attributes I wanted as a mother, what I wanted FOR them. I even talked about how many I wanted. So what is the deal????

Memories of my "thinking the worst" about having kids keeps coming back. I always had this feeling that I wouldn't be able to have kids or something would happen. As I got older I found that a lot of people have had those feelings, but they had kids just fine. And then here I sit...it is a total reality.

You know, you grow up just wanting to be married, have the white picket fence, the 2.5 kids. Wow, then reality hits! Love is great, marriage is wonderful, but man sometimes it stinks! It is hard! You constantly have to work at it. You need to give in- release your jaws of life on your Independence and let him take care of you. But then one day, there you sit listening to this doctor tell you your worst fear. You look at your husband, see his face, his hurt, his anguish in not being able to take care of you.

As I sit here, pondering all these things, I think think to myself, "Well, why do you want a baby?" Is it some need to feel fulfilled as a person? Is my life so retarded that I need this little human to take care of? Who knows... I just feel and have felt since 16 years old that I was meant to be a Mother.

So where does this leave me now? No more forward, no more backward- just the same as when I sat on this bed...trying to figure out what the heck is going on.

Funny how life works...

So we were pregnant last week and I lost it. How funny is that? Not like ha-ha funny, but interesting. I thought we'd get out of having to go through the Invitro, but I guess not. How lucky are we that we are still in the running to be able to have a baby. I talked with the Rep for the fund and she said that the board hasn't met yet. So we are still out months before anything even happens and that is IF they choose us.... We are praying for strength and know honestly that the peace will come again through Heavenly Father and we know that He knows us and loves us. We have always been taken care of; during trials we may not know why things happen the way they do, but I can always look back and have an "ahh-haa" moment. I see His hand in my life. I have TOTAL faith that what has and will happen is the best thing for Mark and I.

......Even though this TOTALLY sucks!! But like always, we get through it.

No news- good news?

I talked with the gal who is our contact for the fund and she said that the committee have not asked for the applications yet or have set a date for looking at the applications. It could be a week from now or 4 months from now. We hadn't heard anything so I was kind of worried that they didn't pick us, so it is nice to know that they just haven't even looked at us yet. So good news I guess....

Just waiting to hear...

We turned in like a dictionary full of paperwork to the foundation- waiting to hear back if they accept our paperwork and a social worker will call us and set up an appointment to meet with us. We still have quite a few more hoops to jump through. Everyone keep your fingers crossed! Anyway, I have attached a picture of my two beautiful niece and nephew on Memorial Day. Aren't they the cutest thing you have ever seen?

Holy cow- we are LOST!

We got an appointment with the Miracle Fund on Wednesday- it was a meeting to go over all the paperwork and fill out our application. Mark and I had to take separate cars and we got so lost. Not only were there no places to park, but once inside the hospital I couldn't find my way around. Of course Mark and I got separated and I had no way of getting in touch with him. I saw it as a sign- this was never going to happen. After being 30 minutes late, very close to tears and probably swearing under my breath; I walked down a hallway and this nice lady was coming the other way. I told her I was so lost and needed to find Esther- she smiled and said she was Esther. My sign started to fade... still frazzled and unable to reach Mark I had no idea how he could find his way here. A few minutes later in he walks.....okay, so the sign broke into pieces.

We had such a nice talk with Esther and all the fears and doubts I had prior to the meeting just washed away. Luckily I had read some other families blogs off the Internet that had gone through the Miracle Fund, so I kind of knew what to expect- knew all the steps we had to take in order to just turn in the application.

I feel like Mark and I are doing everything we can to have a baby. If this doesn't work, if we don't get accepted....it will be hard, but I can accept that. It just isn't meant to be. There is something else- adoption or maybe by some miracle we will get pregnant on our own.

Blood work

I was able to finalize my blood work this last week- the most important was the FSH test which would determine my hormone level. If it was too high the Miracle Fund would not accept us. Good news- I was just right. We submitted our names yesterday and we are just waiting back to hear when they want to meet with us.

Blah, blah, blah

I feel a little discouraged today. I am not sure if it is the potential that all this we are doing won't matter because we won't get chosen for the Miracle Fund or that we will get chosen and I will go through all the craziness and we won't get pregnant. Ugh! I think once you get to this point, once you have had so much hope and it gets crushed every month over and over, maybe you should expect days like this. ....hmmmm.

I wish I was totally peppy and upbeat continuously, but it just is not possible unless you are on like Prozac or something. Not on those happy pills yet.