Paperwork, paperwork and MORE paperwork

I am exhausted! I feel like I am in an emotional fog...I spent 2 hours spilling my guts to a man I didn't know. There were some really great moments though. Hearing Mark say things about me or our relationship and how much he wants children. It was all just so raw and emotional. We had questions asked from "how tall are you?" to "name 3 top issues that you usually fight about". I mean it was hard. We were honest and stuff, but it was hard to have to say negative things or think of the worst memory. It was just interesting.

I am not sure if it was all just coming to a head, after waiting for so long, or relief that it was going well, or just divulging such intimate stuff, but at one point I broke down crying. The Social Worker cried too, so I guess that was a good sign??

After he was done with our combo interview, a walk through of the house and individual interviews, he gave us MORE paperwork. The process will take another 2 months to process and for us to get our final notification that we have the Miracle Fund. WOW! We started this in February and it won't be done until probably next February. What a long process! A year of putting all this paperwork together, interviews, doc appts., blood tests, poking and prodding, waiting, waiting and more waiting. It has been unbelievable!

But let me be clear, what a huge blessing! This whole thing, this whole process. We as a couple have been through so much not only in the last year, but our whole marriage- going through this difficulty- how much stronger we now are! How much closer we are! I couldn't possibly wish for anything different. It is what it is, it is our lot to go through... and it isn't so hard when you have such a wonderful partner to help you through it. Mark has been such a rock. Not to mention our added peace and comfort that our Heavenly Father knows what is going on and with our constant relationship with him through prayer and fasting that he has giving us a perspective we needed to get through this.

It isn't over yet. We still could get rejected I suppose. But I can't help but feel this will all work out.

Social Worker scheduled

Scheduled our Social Worker Larry for Dec. 1st! Super excited to get this thing going! WOO-HOO

Oh MY GOSH!!! WE GOT IT!!!

Just found out we got the Miracle Fund! It still has not registered...shaking totally. Mark is just sitting on the couch smiling. Oh my gosh, I can't believe this!!!Social Worker still has to come to the house, but if the board accepts you they say they have never had a social worker come back and say "oh not them"We are so excited! This is SUCH a blessing!!

Feeling a little sorry for myself.........

I am sitting here crossed legged, leaning into the soft plush pillow contemplating what it all means. I know what my brain says..what is always the standard line? "it is for the greater good" or "trails make us stronger". Well I DON'T feel stronger and I certainly DON'T feel good. So what is it REALLY all about? Did I do something wrong? Have I not done something enough?

I keep thinking back to the old journals I found earlier today and the almost urgency I felt in opening them; like I was searching for answers. Even then; 10, 12 years old I was talking about my children. What kind of attributes I wanted as a mother, what I wanted FOR them. I even talked about how many I wanted. So what is the deal????

Memories of my "thinking the worst" about having kids keeps coming back. I always had this feeling that I wouldn't be able to have kids or something would happen. As I got older I found that a lot of people have had those feelings, but they had kids just fine. And then here I sit...it is a total reality.

You know, you grow up just wanting to be married, have the white picket fence, the 2.5 kids. Wow, then reality hits! Love is great, marriage is wonderful, but man sometimes it stinks! It is hard! You constantly have to work at it. You need to give in- release your jaws of life on your Independence and let him take care of you. But then one day, there you sit listening to this doctor tell you your worst fear. You look at your husband, see his face, his hurt, his anguish in not being able to take care of you.

As I sit here, pondering all these things, I think think to myself, "Well, why do you want a baby?" Is it some need to feel fulfilled as a person? Is my life so retarded that I need this little human to take care of? Who knows... I just feel and have felt since 16 years old that I was meant to be a Mother.

So where does this leave me now? No more forward, no more backward- just the same as when I sat on this bed...trying to figure out what the heck is going on.

Funny how life works...

So we were pregnant last week and I lost it. How funny is that? Not like ha-ha funny, but interesting. I thought we'd get out of having to go through the Invitro, but I guess not. How lucky are we that we are still in the running to be able to have a baby. I talked with the Rep for the fund and she said that the board hasn't met yet. So we are still out months before anything even happens and that is IF they choose us.... We are praying for strength and know honestly that the peace will come again through Heavenly Father and we know that He knows us and loves us. We have always been taken care of; during trials we may not know why things happen the way they do, but I can always look back and have an "ahh-haa" moment. I see His hand in my life. I have TOTAL faith that what has and will happen is the best thing for Mark and I.

......Even though this TOTALLY sucks!! But like always, we get through it.

No news- good news?

I talked with the gal who is our contact for the fund and she said that the committee have not asked for the applications yet or have set a date for looking at the applications. It could be a week from now or 4 months from now. We hadn't heard anything so I was kind of worried that they didn't pick us, so it is nice to know that they just haven't even looked at us yet. So good news I guess....

Just waiting to hear...

We turned in like a dictionary full of paperwork to the foundation- waiting to hear back if they accept our paperwork and a social worker will call us and set up an appointment to meet with us. We still have quite a few more hoops to jump through. Everyone keep your fingers crossed! Anyway, I have attached a picture of my two beautiful niece and nephew on Memorial Day. Aren't they the cutest thing you have ever seen?

Holy cow- we are LOST!

We got an appointment with the Miracle Fund on Wednesday- it was a meeting to go over all the paperwork and fill out our application. Mark and I had to take separate cars and we got so lost. Not only were there no places to park, but once inside the hospital I couldn't find my way around. Of course Mark and I got separated and I had no way of getting in touch with him. I saw it as a sign- this was never going to happen. After being 30 minutes late, very close to tears and probably swearing under my breath; I walked down a hallway and this nice lady was coming the other way. I told her I was so lost and needed to find Esther- she smiled and said she was Esther. My sign started to fade... still frazzled and unable to reach Mark I had no idea how he could find his way here. A few minutes later in he walks.....okay, so the sign broke into pieces.

We had such a nice talk with Esther and all the fears and doubts I had prior to the meeting just washed away. Luckily I had read some other families blogs off the Internet that had gone through the Miracle Fund, so I kind of knew what to expect- knew all the steps we had to take in order to just turn in the application.

I feel like Mark and I are doing everything we can to have a baby. If this doesn't work, if we don't get accepted....it will be hard, but I can accept that. It just isn't meant to be. There is something else- adoption or maybe by some miracle we will get pregnant on our own.

Blood work

I was able to finalize my blood work this last week- the most important was the FSH test which would determine my hormone level. If it was too high the Miracle Fund would not accept us. Good news- I was just right. We submitted our names yesterday and we are just waiting back to hear when they want to meet with us.

Blah, blah, blah

I feel a little discouraged today. I am not sure if it is the potential that all this we are doing won't matter because we won't get chosen for the Miracle Fund or that we will get chosen and I will go through all the craziness and we won't get pregnant. Ugh! I think once you get to this point, once you have had so much hope and it gets crushed every month over and over, maybe you should expect days like this. ....hmmmm.

I wish I was totally peppy and upbeat continuously, but it just is not possible unless you are on like Prozac or something. Not on those happy pills yet.

Invitro Decision

I wanted to update you on what is going on- what happened today.

A LOT!

We went to our fertility doc who we had to go to in order to submit our names into the fund to pay for the very expensive Invitro. Holy junk guys- there is so much stuff! Once we finally pay all the little things we need to do just to submit our names (YES THERE IS MORE! Probably another $2K) and lets say we are approved, then all this other stuff has to happen.

I have to start my period, on my 3rd day I have to start taking birth control pills. Sounds like it defeats the whole purpose to get pregnant, but it is to take control of the cycle. After at least 12 days I start having to give myself a shot in the stomach every single day for 3 weeks, it is called Lupron. This is telling the body to send the follicles (immature eggs, kinda) to the ovaries and to send a lot. In the second week of taking Lupron, I need to give myself another shot on top of the Lupron, called FSH, Follicle Stimulation Hormone. This tells the follicles to mature the eggs. I take this for 10 days on top of the Lupron. During this time the doctors monitor you each day to make sure that you aren't releasing a ton of follicles (complications could make you VERY sick and making your ovaries swell immensely) There is ultrasounds and blood tests each day for like a week during this time. On the 11th day from starting the FSH the doctors decide if you are ready for the egg retrieval. If they decide you are ready, you stop taking the FSH and Lupron that day. The next day, which is the 12th day after starting FSH they dope you up so much that you are out of it, so they can take the eggs out. They go into your ovaries and go into each follicle and suck out the eggs. I guess it is VERY painful without the drugs. The two weeks prior to the retrieval the male takes 2 pills daily, called Doxy. On the retrieval day the woman starts taking progesterone by a shot in the hip muscle. It is so painful that you are unable to do it yourself, your husband has to do it for you. You take progesterone for 2 1/2 weeks. YIKES!


They take all the eggs that were taken out and fertilize all. After the 5th day, the embryos are evaluated, many will die and will not be adequate. The 2 strongest they will implant into the woman. You can freeze any other strong eggs to use at a later date- this is ideal because you don't have to do all the past 4 weeks of hormonal crap.

17 days after the egg retrieval you should do a pregnancy test. You can also stop the progesterone shots.

I never knew any of this stuff- had no idea that it was so invasive, so unsure and so in depth.

Another thing we found out, if there are 2 embryos implanted there is a bigger chance for babies that are smaller, early delivery and possible birth defects (wide range) they don't know why that is, but with doing Invitro this possibility is obviously higher. When there is only one, the chances of birth defects are less and more of a possibility for a normal pregnancy.

So I left information with the Fund lady so hopefully that ball will get rolling so we can know if I get to go through all of this!

Oh boy!...or girl, or boy and girl...hahahahaha

What a miracle

I am not kidding- God loves me. Amazingly we found out about this company called the Miracle Fund who helps people who can't afford to pay for Invitro, pay completely for it. Can you believe that? You have to meet certain criteria and I guess there are hoops you have to jump through, but dang! It is totally worth it!

I am not sure if we will be chosen or accepted for this fund but just to have hope, that is just unbelievable.

And the winner is....

With trying to be proactive we thought we should do everything we could to get pregnant before we had our last option, Invitro.

SOOOOOO we decided to try Artificial Insemination. I had to take ovulation tests starting on my 10th day after the 1st day of my last period. Geez, that sounds weird. Anyway, so by the 17th day I finally got a positive reading. Now the ovulation test doesn't say you are ovulating that day; if you get a positive reading, it means you will be ovulation within the next 24-36 hours. You need to call your Andrology lab as soon as you get that positive reading and they will set up and appointment for the next day.

My husband had to go first, and going first means exactly what you think it means. I at least was able to be with him this time. I don't think he was as embarrassed as the first time. Then about an hour later we went back and they stick this J like syringe, filled with the concentrated sperm, into your who-ha and through the cervix, which looks like a donut. They inject it in and you lay on the table for like 10 minutes afterwards.

I swear to you I thought that it was going to work. Everything in our lives were so put together perfectly, it was just totally the best time.

When I started my period I will totally admit that I was so stickin' mad. So, so, so mad. What the heck!??! I would be a great freakin' mom, why can't this just work!!???!! Unless you have gone through the hope of thinking you are pregnant and sitting on that toliet and seeing that you started, it is like your breath is taken away, the world means nothing at that moment. What the heck are we supposed to do now?

I mean 10 grand might as well be a million dollars. Seriously.

Consultation with Fertility Doc

So we found this great doctor- he had helped a few friends of mine that had other issues and they both have had healthy babies. He said we had a few options, one better than the other. One is Artificial Insemination. This only would up our chances of getting pregnant the natural way by only a few percentage points. We could try it but he seemed pretty doubtful that it would work. It was leaps and bounds cheaper than Invitro, which by the way was our other options. There is NO WAY we could come up with $10,000 to pay for this procedure. And after barely just paying off the $4,000 emergency bill for a miscarriage, thinking about paying that amount of money and possibly NOT getting pregnant didn't sit well with me.

The Doc said that with our situation, our best option is Invitro. Can you say punch in the gut 5 times fast?

So we had some decisions to make.

Wasting time

I suck, let me just get that out right now. I like to stick my head in the sand when problems come my way. I kept thinking that we will just get pregnant when we are "supposed to". At least that is the line you are supposed to say to everyone when they give you that look, you know the one; the "oh poor little dried up uterus that can't have babies" look. So for 2 years we did NOTHING. I mean, we had sex of course- but no doctors, no fertility stuff, nothing. You see what I mean when I say head in the sand now, right?

I keep saying that we just weren't ready. I don't know, maybe we were- if we ended up getting pregnant I am sure we would have gotten our crap together, figured it out- but really I just didn't want to face the truth that our lives were not going to be as easy in this department as everyone else.

So we have just been wasting time. Wasting time thinking the problem would fix itself. Praying that it would just happen without any special or expensive things we had to do.

Man, I was so retarded.

A night at the Olive Garden

I went to my OBGYN and she suggested that my husband go and get his sperm tested. She mentioned that when women have a early miscarriage sometimes it can be tracked back to the male sperm. Ha, another thing I didn't know.

So picture this, my husband goes to the "bow-chicka-bow-wow" room- him mortified, trying to be as quiet as possible and understands that afterwards he has to put his, ah, gift, in this cabinet in the wall that opens on the other side where people take the ...present. So he gets all ready, turns off the light and super quietly puts the cup in the dispenser and hi-tailed it out of there. Men are so funny; women lay on a table, spread eagle- naked, with people poking and sticking things in you...and they are afraid of one little donation. No wonder women are the only ones able to have kids. Men would whine at us until we took it from them to do it.

Ah and then the results....there we sat at the Olive Garden, on our anniversary no doubt and we get the great news; immobility, poor and low count. G-R-E-A-T.

Miscarriage blues

4 years ago my husband and I decided that we wanted to have a baby. Naive 'ol me thought we'd be pregnant in the first month. It was so strange to go month after month with nothing...but seriously I didn't even know about ovulation and all that crap- hey, I told you I was naive. Didn't you just have sex and get pregnant? For heaven's sake- I know girls who NEVER had sex, they just sat next to a boy and got pregnant....maybe that was what they told their parents. ANYWAY about a year later we found out that we were pregnant. Ahhh...finally! I was okay, I was REALLY starting to think there was something wrong.

Then one day I started cramping and bleeding. Bottom line I miscarried at 11 weeks. It was totally devestating and sad- not that I was sad for the baby, more that I was sad for the hope. Does that make sense? Okay, so now what the heck is wrong?